I am selfish

This post may be a complete jumble of thoughts, but I had to get them out, so I decided this would be the place to do it. So bare with me as you read. This is just how my mind works! It's going so many different directions right now. After all this blog is called Ramblings of a Redheaded Mama. ;)

 

I am selfish. 

Lately my mind has been so busy. God has really been laying it on my heart that I'm selfish. I'm not talking selfish like it's all about me, but selfish with my kids, my family, all the things that I have. 

This is something I can't really even put into words. I'm so confused about it. There is a family that I do not personally know, but I seen the mother on Instagram, and I was intrigued. They have four children, two of them were born with a genetic disorder. The little girl had brain damage and I'm not sure about the little boy. 

This family decided that it was time to let them go when God decided it was their time, instead of keeping them alive. I was just blown away. How selfless these people are. Could I make the same decision? The little girl died last week, at age 2, and I wept with the news. My heart broke for this family. I could not imagine. 

Most of you don't know, but my 2 year old cousin was killed a week after his birthday in a horrible accident. He ran after his daddy because he wanted to ride in the truck with him, and his daddy didn't see him. He was ran over by the truck. It was such a traumatic thing. 

I know that God never promised us a life without pain, He promised that he would guide us through the storm.  But it's still hard. 

When my husband goes out of town, God likes to use that time to lay things on my heart. Last night as I was thinking about this family that I do not know, I was looking at the pictures of their little girl, and I just mourned with them. I laid in bed and cried for almost an hour. I was so sad for them, but at the same time I was happy this little girl is now running around in Heaven living the most amazing life. Something she couldn't do here. 

But I felt selfish. I get so frustrated with my kids sometimes because they don't listen, or they aren't obeying, blah blah blah. All that stuff that we have to deal with on a daily basis when raising children. It all seems to get in the way of enjoying the little things. Enjoying them. They're only little so long. 

I take things for granted, like watching the baby chase after the cat, and laugh her head off the whole time. Teaching the kids how to read.  There are people out there who would want nothing more than to get to do these things and here I am, so caught up with the everyday stuff that I just need to say, hey, chill and let the other stuff go. 

I'm pretty hard on myself and I've been working on that over the years. I've gotten a lot better, and I'm thankful for that, but I still have a long ways to go. 

So maybe I am selfish, maybe I'm not. I don't really know, but at this time in my life I feel selfish.  Or maybe it's guilty. Guilty that I have what I have while others don't. Either way, I'm just asking God to help me through all of this. Help me to see what He wants me to see. 

I got a new book and I'm VERY excited about it. I'm hoping this is the book that I have been praying for. The one that will continue to get me where He is wanting me to go. I'm planning on blogging about it here, once a week, at least. 

If you'd like to join in on the discussion, here is the book! There are questions to answer after each chapter.