Thank You

 

This was me this morning during worship at church. The tears were running down my face. I was wiping them away with my eyes closed, trying to hide them. 

The baby reaches up and lays a big fat wet kiss on my lips. My eyes open and I smile. I know she wants her pacifier so I reach for it and I give it to her. Then she wants her blankie so she can lay her head down on my shoulder. Once she's settled, I close my eyes and raise my hand to finish worshipping. 

Someone lays their hand on my shoulder and starts speaking life into my ear. She says she seen God through me as I received my kiss and tended to the baby. Giving her just what she needed without her even needing to ask.  Isn't that what God does for us too?

I'm not even sure of everything else she said because the tears just poured out of my eyes. She said "you are doing a great job, you are so beautiful."

I think she was wrong, I seen God through her words. What amazing encouragement for a mama who is just going through the motions. God used her to speak to me.

I want people to see God through me. I don't want to just be another person who is just lukewarm. I want to be on fire. I've spent many years being lukewarm. That's over. God has grabbed ahold of me, and I've let Him. That was a real struggle for me. 

That part of me is over. I find comfort in knowing that I am so far from where I used to be. Those other people who are on fire for God, the ones I want to be like, they had to get there. They didn't just start there. And neither did I. 

So as the tears were flowing during worship and my hand was raised and my eyes were closed, all I could do was say, "Thank You God for not giving up on me." He loves me, and I know that. 

I leave you with the words of a song that has completely impacted me the last week and a half, since I first heard the song. 

A Little Closer by Group 1 Crew

 Play sample

IF YOU OPENED MY HEART
YOU'D SEE I DON'T HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER
IF YOU TOOK ME APART
YOU'D SEE THE WORST OF ME WANTS TO GET BETTER
BUT YOU'RE CHANGING ME, PIECE BY PIECE
INTO WHO YOU'RE REALLY CALLIN ME TO BE

CHORUS
THERE'S A BEAUTY AND BEAST INSIDE OF ME
WHO I AM FIGHTING WHO I WANNA BE
BUT THROUGH THE RISE AND FALLS
THE ROLLER COASTER 
I, I, I GET A LITTLE CLOSER
LIKE A CHILD WALKING IN THEIR FATHER'S SHOES
I JUST WANNA LOOK A LITTLE MORE LIKE YOU
EVERYDAY'S ANOTHER STEP FORWARD
I, I GET A LITTLE CLOSER

I, I GET A LITTLE CLOSER (X2) 

LORD, I KNOW THAT IT'S TRUE
YOU'RE GONNA FINISH THIS WORK YOU STARTED
EVEN WHEN I DON'T KNOW AND IT'S MOVING SO SLOW
EVEN WHEN I FEEL NOTHING BUT BROKEN HEARTED
BUT YOU'RE CHANGING ME, PIECE BY PIECE
INTO WHO I KNOW THAT I AM GONNA TO BE 

CHORUS

I, I GET A LITTLE CLOSER (X4) 

ALL MY DAYS
EVERY BREATH I TAKE
WON'T YOU MAKE ME, SHAPE ME, INTO WHO YOU ARE

CHORUS

I, I GET A LITTLE CLOSER (X8) 


Writer(s) MANWELL REYES / JUSTIN EBACH / JEFF PARDO

I am selfish

This post may be a complete jumble of thoughts, but I had to get them out, so I decided this would be the place to do it. So bare with me as you read. This is just how my mind works! It's going so many different directions right now. After all this blog is called Ramblings of a Redheaded Mama. ;)

 

I am selfish. 

Lately my mind has been so busy. God has really been laying it on my heart that I'm selfish. I'm not talking selfish like it's all about me, but selfish with my kids, my family, all the things that I have. 

This is something I can't really even put into words. I'm so confused about it. There is a family that I do not personally know, but I seen the mother on Instagram, and I was intrigued. They have four children, two of them were born with a genetic disorder. The little girl had brain damage and I'm not sure about the little boy. 

This family decided that it was time to let them go when God decided it was their time, instead of keeping them alive. I was just blown away. How selfless these people are. Could I make the same decision? The little girl died last week, at age 2, and I wept with the news. My heart broke for this family. I could not imagine. 

Most of you don't know, but my 2 year old cousin was killed a week after his birthday in a horrible accident. He ran after his daddy because he wanted to ride in the truck with him, and his daddy didn't see him. He was ran over by the truck. It was such a traumatic thing. 

I know that God never promised us a life without pain, He promised that he would guide us through the storm.  But it's still hard. 

When my husband goes out of town, God likes to use that time to lay things on my heart. Last night as I was thinking about this family that I do not know, I was looking at the pictures of their little girl, and I just mourned with them. I laid in bed and cried for almost an hour. I was so sad for them, but at the same time I was happy this little girl is now running around in Heaven living the most amazing life. Something she couldn't do here. 

But I felt selfish. I get so frustrated with my kids sometimes because they don't listen, or they aren't obeying, blah blah blah. All that stuff that we have to deal with on a daily basis when raising children. It all seems to get in the way of enjoying the little things. Enjoying them. They're only little so long. 

I take things for granted, like watching the baby chase after the cat, and laugh her head off the whole time. Teaching the kids how to read.  There are people out there who would want nothing more than to get to do these things and here I am, so caught up with the everyday stuff that I just need to say, hey, chill and let the other stuff go. 

I'm pretty hard on myself and I've been working on that over the years. I've gotten a lot better, and I'm thankful for that, but I still have a long ways to go. 

So maybe I am selfish, maybe I'm not. I don't really know, but at this time in my life I feel selfish.  Or maybe it's guilty. Guilty that I have what I have while others don't. Either way, I'm just asking God to help me through all of this. Help me to see what He wants me to see. 

I got a new book and I'm VERY excited about it. I'm hoping this is the book that I have been praying for. The one that will continue to get me where He is wanting me to go. I'm planning on blogging about it here, once a week, at least. 

If you'd like to join in on the discussion, here is the book! There are questions to answer after each chapter.