My no good horrible bad afternoon, and how I'm on the verge of a breakdown

This isn't going to be a pretty post. This isn't going to be an upbeat, encouraging, I'm so happy and love everything and everybody post. Not.even.close.

This is the story of my horrible afternoon, but I think its only fair to start from the beginning, sort of.

Today I'm 39 weeks pregnant. This last week has been a little hard for me, emotionally. I cannot believe I'm still pregnant. Everything inside of me told me this girl would have been here by now. We do not know her name. I have no intuition of what she will look like. With my twins I knew their eye color, hair color, and their names. I just "knew" all this. This baby is a complete mystery.

This past week I've really felt angry. Angry, frustrated, exhausted, every emotional possible. Most of all I've had these waves of anger. I feel angry I'm still pregnant. Angry I'm not enjoying any of this. Angry I can't sleep. Angry I have contractions every single day and I'M STILL PREGNANT. I get angry at my husband because he didn't wash the dishes and my back hurts so bad while doing it, but he did give the kids a bath. Angry I'm angry. Angry I can't just be me already. Who is this person?! I am not an angry person. I get so emotional, then I start crying, and then I'm fine. Again, who is this person? A hormonal pregnant girl, that's who!

Then I hear from people, and I know you all mean well, but I'm afraid some poor innocent person may catch my wrath when I hear next time, "you still haven't had that baby?" "You're still pregnant?" "She will be here soon, just be patient." Or my favorite, "WOW, that's going to be a big baby!" REALLY?!!!!! If I could of had this baby by now, I would have. Trust me.

Anyways, fast forward to yesterday. Our day started out earlier than normal. Warren was getting ready to leave to go help a friend, since he has been off 4 1/2 days in the last week and a half. Yeah that doesn't help pay the bills, but anyways... Taylor came to snuggle up on the couch with me, as soon as she got real real close, she vomits all over the both of us. Awesome. That's how every person wants to start their day.

She ran a fever yesterday and had some diarrhea, but didn't throw up again. Warren gets home and sets out to clean the snow off the driveway with his tractor. This resulted in me having to help him get everything we own with a motor unstuck...

I had my check up today, so I took the girls with me and my mom sat in the waiting room with them. Taylor had some diarrhea again this morning, but she was ok.

I didn't get any news from the doctor that I was hoping to hear. So yeah, I'm still pregnant.

Mackenzie wanted to go to a restaurant for lunch, so I decided to take them, just the three of us. Since it won't just be the three of us much longer. I thought we would go to Target afterwards so I could walk around, and try to work this baby out! Taylor didn't eat too much. I could tell she didn't feel the best. She had another case of diarrhea before we left so we headed home after that.

Are you ready for this part?

We get about 5 miles from home, and Taylor says, "my tummy hurts". I told her we were almost home, I was hurrying. As soon as I finished that sentence, I hear this awful sound, and the words, "she's throwing up everywhere!!!" I hit the side of the highway as fast as I could. I get her out so she could take care of her business.

The car smells horrible, there's vomit EVERYWHERE. Mackenzie starts crying uncontrollably. She has a gag reflex like her father. Can you imagine what happened next?

I grab her and get her out of the car. She had decided to take her socks and shoes off on the way home, so here we are, 32 degrees outside, she's barefoot on the side of the highway, vomiting because she got herself so worked up.

I put her back in the car, and she starts gagging again, so out we go again. This time as I'm holding her, I see Taylor coming around to the back of the car.  I about had a heart attack!!!!!! WE ARE ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY!! She could have gotten hit by a car!!!!!! Thank the Lord she didn't.

I get them back in the car, and they finally calm down enough we can buckle up and come home. I think those 5 miles were the longest ever. I cried the whole way home.

We got home, I bathed the girls, and then set out to clean up my car. I do not think it will ever be the same.

I did the best I could, put everything in the washing machine, came upstairs to get some ice water, and discovered our ice maker is not working.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

A 20 minute shower washing all the filth off helped some, but its still been a horrible afternoon.

It's evident this baby is going to stay in there forever. I don't think any amount of walking is going to get her out if these last two days haven't done anything!

I'm hoping the rest of the day stays puke free, and hopefully tear free-for me. I hope I don't actually have an emotional breakdown, because I can feel it coming on.

For now, that is my rant. And yes, I'm completely aware the baby won't really stay in there forever.

"You're a bad mom because..."

When I had the girls almost 4 1/2 years ago, I didn't have Facebook, nor did I spend much time on the internet.

I still don't know why I signed up for Facebook. I'm glad I did in many ways. I've enjoyed talking with some old friends, making new friends, but what I enjoy most is getting to talk with other mothers.

I've also learned a lot from certain blogs I have come across, but with that being said, I just have to ask:

Why are mothers so judgemental of each other?

I was 23 when I had my twins. I didn't know anything about being a mother. I came home with two little human beings that depended on me for their every need. I didn't follow a certain "type of parenting". We did whatever we had to do to make through the day and night.

Now I know there are different names for parenting. I don't even know all the names, nor do I really care. The one I see the most talked about is Attachment Parenting though.

What all does it entail? I'm not 100% sure, other than it seems you are attached to the baby all the time. You wear your baby, you co sleep with your baby, you only breastfeed, etc. These are all fantastic things, if they work for you and your baby, but if they don't, it certainly doesn't make you a bad mother.

I think the most controversial thing I see mothers talking about on Facebook pages is co sleeping. Some women have literally said to other mothers that they are bad moms because their child doesn't sleep with them.

Say what?!?!?!?! How does that make you a bad mom? How can another mother actually be that judgemental?

To be quite frank, I don't care whether your child sleeps with you or not. Why should I? I'm not going to think and more or less of you for it.

We tried to put our girls in the same bed when we brought them home. Lots of people said how much twins loved to sleep together. Our girls hated it. They could not sleep. We also tried having them sleep in bed with us, because other people said how great that was too. It was anything but great for us. They didn't sleep, and this mama didn't sleep AT ALL! How is that good for any of us? Does that make me a bad mother? I don't hardly think so!

Do I feel my children suffered psychological damages by not sleeping with us? Absolutely not. They are such lovers. We have always spent so much time snuggling, even when they were babies. I enjoy every moment. One day they will grow up and not want to snuggle with us. Let's just not talk about that right now...

My whole point of this and the sadness I feel is, why do we need to label parenting? What's wrong with just parenting how you feel is best for your family?

We have working mothers, stay at home mothers, stay at home fathers, work from home parents. We all have our own journeys we are going down, why do we need to add more judgement to that?

What did people do hundreds of years ago? They just did it! They didn't have parenting books, or doctors telling you what research showed. They didn't have hundreds of bloggers or the internet telling them they were a bad parent. They had their Bible and their gut instinct and thats what they used. What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing!

Let's stop judging others because they don't do what we think they should. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and there is nothing wrong with that. But we shouldn't try to force our opinions or beliefs onto someone else. They are your opinions for a reason.

Our third baby is due to arrive anytime now. We will spend lots of time getting to know one another, and eventually figure out what works best for us. I can see her being completely different than our twins, and there is nothing wrong with that, because even our twins weren't completely alike, which shocked people. Every person is different, including babies. What works for one, may not work for another. That's another reason I don't like parenting labels.

Do what works for YOUR FAMILY!

How do you feel about this parenting judgement? I would really love to hear your feedback.

38 Weeks And A Glimpse Of Hope!

My 38 week check up wasn't until tomorrow, but with the blizzard we are expected to get here in Missouri, I thought it'd be best if I could try to squeeze in today, instead of getting out tomorrow. It all just sounded too dangerous to me!

Yesterday I had contractions from noon until I went to bed, around 10:30. They were about every 10 minutes apart. They never led to a baby so they were just Braxton Hicks. I felt so discouraged.

Warren asked me around 9 what was wrong, and the tears just started to flow. I was so frustrated, angry and tired. Everyday I have these contractions. Some people say they're painless, not the ones I experience. They hurt. I've had them everyday since 30 weeks. I'm sick of them! I really hoped they would lead to the real deal, but no, no baby yet.

I cannot believe how emotional I felt last night. I'm really unsure if its normal to experience the anger I felt last night, but normal or not, I couldn't help it.

This pregnancy has been completely different than my other two. Everything about it. I feel horrible for complaining at all. I know lots of women who would love the miracle of carrying a baby. I'm very thankful for the blessing, I'm just really ready to have my body back. Be me again. Not have to wake up at 2:30 and 5:30 every morning to pee. Sometimes its more than that, and I lose count.

I went in to my checkup and my blood pressure was a little high, so I had to lay down and be rechecked a few minutes later. It went down a little bit, but it was still higher than my usual. The Dr checked my progress, and I got some good news!

I'm dilated to a 2 and 75% effaced. It honestly made me feel better to know that these sucky false contractions actually made some real progress! I think I needed to have that sense of hope, that hey, she really isn't going to be in there forever. I know she couldn't ever actually be in there forever, but I'm sure any woman who's been pregnant can understand what I mean.

Light at the end of the tunnel! I know this baby will come when the Lord is ready for her too.

We still do not have a name for her. If you have any suggestions, throw them my way!
Currently we have Carly, Payton, Kelsey, I like several others, but my husband doesn't like them. We think we will give her my middle name, Danielle. At least that's the plan.

Any name suggestions?
Words of encouragement?
Scripture encouragement?

Thanks friends!


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A Joyful Mother

A Special Sunday

Sunday was such a wonderful day. We didn't do anything special, we didn't go anywhere fun. We spent the day at home after church. And I'm so glad.

We got home from church, and my husband made hot ham and cheese sandwiches for us for lunch. Nothing spectacular, but I didn't have to make it, so that was pretty spectacular to me!

After lunch he decided to go to his shop and build something his dad was needing, so I had the girls change and they went to hang with daddy for awhile.

I have been waking about every two hours at night, so I'm feeling pretty tired these days. 17 days until my due date...not that I'm counting or anything...

I decided to lay on the couch and rest instead of doing all the things I should have. I don't regret it one bit. I eventually had two visitors who decided to join me, and well, there just isn't as much room to snuggle beside mama on the couch as their used to be. One girl in front, one girl behind= not so comfy mama.

I headed to my bed, and spent a little while there, alone. Ahhh!!! It was lovely. I of course was visited a few times and checked on, and was told I love you, by some special little girls.

Then daddy came in and checked on me too. I asked of he'd be interested in making his famous enchilada casserole for dinner. Next thing I know he was in the kitchen making it, AND even unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher!

I felt like a queen. Seriously. It was amazing. That is something that has never happened before in our marriage. It's normally him napping, which is fine, but the rest was great.

How did I get so lucky? I'm so blessed to have a wonderful husband and awesome children who love me so much!

Today, my grandma came and did a little cleaning, and now the girls are resting watching a movie, and I'm resting too. Dinner is cooking in the oven. It's cold, windy, and rainy, and I'm ready for my husband to come home.

And maybe, just maybe, this baby will come today. I think she's decided to stay in forever though.

17 days people, but remember, I'm not counting or anything. Not at all!

Italian Sausage Soup

I cannot tell you where this recipe originated from. I remember finding it in my moms recipe cards years ago. I loved making it when I was a teenager. I made it several times after I got married, but then forgot about it.

I stumbled across it in my recipe box a couple months ago. I had stopped using the recipe cards when I began to eat gluten free, as I was printing so many recipes off the internet. That led to the use of my recipe binder.

I'm so glad I stumbled across this recipe again, because it is so delicious! The picture does not do it any justice!

I made a few changes to this recipe to make it work for me.

Here is what you'll need:

1 1/2 pounds Italian sausage
2 cloves garlic
1 yellow medium onion
2-16 ounce cans tomatoes; I have used crushed, because my family doesn't like chunks of tomatoes, and I've even just used tomato sauce when that's all I had on hand. I prefer the crushed.
1 1/2 cups dry red wine (do not leave this out or your soup will not be as yummy)
10 cups beef broth
1/2 tsp. Basil
1/2 tsp. Oregano
3 tsp. Parsley
2 medium zucchini
1 medium green pepper
2 cups pasta, any kind you prefer

1. Brown sausage. Drain fat.
2. Saute onion and garlic.
3. Add sausage, tomatoes, dry red wine, broth, and spices.
4. Bring just to a boil and simmer uncovered for 45 minutes.
5. Add zucchini, green pepper, and noodles.
6. Simmer 15-20 minutes or until noodles are done.

*Note: I do not add added salt or pepper to this recipe. I'm a lover of salt and pepper, but do not find this recipe needs it, as the broth and sausage are salty enough.

Enjoy!

37 weeks and a not so happy body, or face

I woke up today feeling, just ok. I haven't slept well the last couple nights. I've had lots of Braxton Hicks contractions these last few days. My mind has been so busy during the night, it doesn't want me to sleep well.

I'm tired. My family has been sick for awhile now. My husband ran a fever off and on for 10 days, my girls had one for a couple days. Now one just has a little runny nose and a mild cough, occasionally. My husband has been fever free for 3 days now!

Guess who woke up today with a touch of a sore throat? This girl.

I've also had lots of abdominal pain. Not sure if its just the muscles stretching or what. I've also had some crampy feeling, and a few Braxton Hicks. You know, just because someone claims they're "fake", doesn't make them hurt any less.

I have a Dr appt later today. I'm hoping he will give me some good news. I just keep praying baby girl will come soon.

I'm so thankful for the blessing of another baby. I really can't wait to meet her, I'm just really exhausted. I'm beyond ready to be me again. I don't feel like myself, mentally or physically.

This pregnancy has been much easier than my pregnancy with my twins, physically, of course. But I cannot say it has been mentally. I really cannot explain what I feel or think. I just know, its not like my normal self.

So many changes coming. I know it will be an adjustment, and I'm sure emotional, because...well let's just be honest, with all these hormones, how could it not be?!

Baby girl remains nameless, and will until we meet her. We just really do not know what her name is, and that's ok.

Wish me luck, and say a prayer baby will come really soon!! I'm off to the Doctor!