I have put off part two of this post because I wasn't sure I wanted to share all of it with you. It's very personal, and I didn't know if I could share it. I didn't want it to seem as though I'm airing dirty laundry, but I have felt the Lord leading me to share it, because if it can help just one person, than it will be worth it.
I recently posted
part one of this series. If you haven't read it, you may want to start there.
I left you with "less than two months later, I was pregnant...with twins."
I had taken a test and learned I was pregnant, again. I had some blood work done to confirm it. We were really surprised it had happened so quickly. I hadn't ever had a cycle since giving birth, so the pregnancy was pretty unexpected, but we were still excited...and nervous!
A few days later I had started to have some spotting. I was so afraid. I remember feeling so terrified that this pregnancy would end just as soon as it had happened. My husband and mom where there to comfort me and I had called the doctor to ask questions. He told me to call the office in the morning and come in. (I know now that this was just implanation bleeding, but from what I had just been through, I had no idea.)
First thing the next morning, I was in their office and they did an ultrasound. The sonographer couldn't see a sac yet, because it was just too early. So they had me come back a few days later.
There I was laying on the table as the sonographer was doing a transvaginal ultrasound, and I heard her say three words that would forever change my life...
"I see two."
I sat straight up, "WHAT?!?!" She said, "Yes, there are two. You're having twins!" I was stunned. How in the world am I pregnant with twins? I had so many emotions running through me at that moment. I was scared to death. I knew a couple women who had just recently lost their twins, and having experienced what I just had, all I could do was pray. I prayed God would not take these babies to Heaven. I wanted them so desperately.
I left the office and immediately called my husband as I was waiting for the elevator. He answered. I said, "We are having twins." It was silent on the other end. I believe his exact words to me when he finally spoke were, "umm..ok." He was more in shock than I was! He later told me he was on a ladder when I shared the news. He likes to say he almost fell off...but that may just be for added dramatic effect! HA!
I shared the news with family and friends. Everyone was very excited!
I was scheduled for another ultrasound though, for a few days later, because I was only about 5 weeks when we found out it was twins, and they wanted to check on the babies and be able to see their heartbeats. So I returned and got to see both little hearts beating away on the monitor. It was so amazing to see.
About a week or so later, I started bleeding though. It wasn't a little spotting like before. This was heavy bleeding, passing blood clots and all. We thought for sure this was the end. I can't even explain what we were feeling at that time. It landed me in the ER. They ran blood tests, which all came back fine. They scheduled me for an ultrasound the next morning. That wait felt like eternity.
The ultrasound reveled everything was fine. The babies were fine, I was fine, everything was fine, but the bleeding continued. I had several more ultrasounds over the next couple months, and all revealed the babies were fine. They had no idea where all this blood was coming from. I was thankful the babies were fine, and I was ok, but that didn't make the situation any easier.
All we could do was pray that God would take care of me and the babies, and the bleeding would stop.
Finally it did. I think it was between 16 & 20 weeks the bleeding stopped. We learned the sex of the babies. It was music to my ears. They were both girls! I had always wanted a daughter. I had been so afraid we would never have a girl. My husbands father had 4 boys, and his parents had 3 boys. I had told him before we ever had children, that if we didn't have a daughter, we were adopting. God surly knew the desires of my heart!
Between 20 & 24 weeks they discovered my cervix was shortening. I was put on bedrest temporarily, until they could rescan me, and make sure all was well. Everything turned out to be just fine with that.
I continued to work my 40 hours a week during my entire pregnancy. I worked at my dad's grocery store. I would stock shelves, open the store at 6am, run the cash register. I was on my feet all day, which was not easy for a 5ft 1in woman with the belly a size of a, which felt like a, yoga ball!
We had planned the baby shower about 3 months before my due date. I knew I needed to have everything in order much sooner than most. I knew the girls would come early, I just wasn't sure how early.
My husband and mom, painted the most beautiful nursery for me. It looked just like I had hoped. It was incredible.
The beginning of September, I had told my dad that I just couldn't work anymore. I was not physically capable of doing it. My feet had began to swell up, my body hurt, the pressure I felt from the girls was just too intense. I just couldn't do it anymore.
That was on a Saturday, my next appointment was on Monday, I was 31 weeks. It started with a NST. During that test it was discovered that I was having contractions. The doctor proceeded to check my cervix, which was dilated. I was then sent to labor and delivery for observation. I was eventually sent home on bedrest.
Bedrest?!?! How would I ever do that?! I will just say that bedrest is by far the most boring time you will ever have in your life, if you have to endure it. I did however teach myself how to knit, read a few books, slept a lot, and realized that a person can only watch so much tv before that too, is boring.
I spent most of my bedrest time, alone. Day and night. Alone. My husband was trying to finish up his classes for his journeyman carpenters status. He would go after work to try to get it all done.
About a week and half on bedrest, my whole life changed. My husband shared some news with me that I never in a million years thought I would hear.
He told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore.
I was devastated. I didn't believe a word of it. I wasn't going to believe it. I knew how much he loved me, how much he had always loved me. I knew this was not true. I was hurt.
But it was true. He really did feel this way. He kept telling me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I still didn't believe that what he was telling me to be true. I felt like there was something else going on. I began to pray for him, as well as myself. I prayed that God would wrap his arms around my husband, and show him
His love.
I was in and out of the hospital. On Friday September 26th, I was put back in the hospital. This time because my blood pressure was so high. I was developing pre-eclampsia. The doctors were very afraid I was going to go into labor. They gave me a steroid shot to help the girls' lungs develop faster. I had been on medication to help my contractions stop, but it wasn't helping too much. They kept me through Saturday night, and I kept begging to go home. I just wanted to go home. Nothing was changing. I wasn't progressing anymore. So they let me go home.
That night I had told my husband that if he didn't want to be apart of our family, then he needed to leave. It was too hard for me to try to keep these babies in and be under the amount of stress that I was. I didn't want him to really leave, but it was too hard to look at the man I loved, and have him tell me the things that he did.
The next morning he had left to go shopping for a dresser/changing table for the girls' room. It was the only thing left that we hadn't be able to find what we wanted.
A few hours later I made myself some lunch, sat down to eat it and my water broke! It was the scariest thing I had ever experienced! I was so freaked out. I was alone, and I didn't know how fast these girls would come. I called my mom, who luckily wasn't very far away. I quickly threw stuff in a bag. I was not prepared!
She had called everyone for me letting them know we were on our way to the hospital. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. It was too early for the girls to come. Would they be healthy? Would everything be ok? I didn't know what to expect. I prayed for their health and safety.
I got to the hospital, and got settled in a room. It was 1pm. I labored for 8 hours and gave in and got an epidural. I kept progressing well, but I eventually was stuck at 8cm. I was stuck there for hours, probably about 6 hours.
I had told the doctor I was not having a c-section unless it was just absolutely necessary and the babies were in danger. There was no reason I couldn't have these babies naturally! Since I wasn't progressing anymore, the doctor decided to give me pitocin. In about 30 minutes, I was fully dilated, and ready to go.
They wheeled me in the OR. When you are having more than one child, you have to deliver in there just in case of an emergency c-section. I had no idea what to expect. The table in there is MUCH smaller than the normal delivery bed. It was awful.
I also had no idea just how many people would be in there during the delivery. There were countless nurses, the pediatrician, the delivering doctor of course, my husband, my mom, and there were people outside the OR looking in through the window! Talk about forgetting modesty. Umm...hello audience!
Mackenzie was the easy delivery. She was born at 11:53am, 4lbs 8oz. I was so relieved when she was born. She was perfect in every way. I was so overcome with emotions, all I could do was cry. Here was my precious baby that God has given me. My heart ached for her for so long and here she was. I was so grateful.
Back to reality. I had one more baby to have...
Miss Taylor Nicole was very comfortable in her spot. She was not ready to budge. The doctor broke her water, and he had me start pushing to get her down. This baby did not want to enter this world. After almost two hours of pushing, my doctor decided he was going to have to help her come out. I do not know what the medical name is, but he used some kind of a suction on her head to help her out. He told me I had 3 pushes to get her out, and that was all.
By the grace of God, she finally came out! She was much bigger than Mackenzie. 5lbs 14oz. She should have been first, but that's just not how it happened! She too was perfect. I got to hold her before they moved me back to my room. I wasn't able to hold Mackenzie until the next day.
My two beautiful babies were here! They were healthy, but still too premature. They had to go to the NICU. They were in the hospital for 16 days, and in those 16 days, I got to stay with them. The hospital allowed me to stay in a room, for free, as long as the bed was available. It was truly a miracle. At that point in my life, I couldn't leave them.
In those 16 days, my marriage didn't get any better. I continued to pray for my marriage, for me, and for my husband. I prayed for strength, courage, wisdom. And the Lord never failed me.
The girls and I finally came home and it was truly amazing. It had seemed like eternity waiting for that day. I couldn't have been more thankful for them.
Over the next couple months, things between my husband and I didn't get any better. It was so hard to not be able to do anything about it. The only thing I could do was pray. Pray that the devil would leave my husband alone. Pray that he would snap out of this. Pray that God would show him His love and what He wanted for him.
The only way I made it through any of this turmoil was because of God. He gave me the strength I needed, and He never left me. I knew that my husband loved me. There was never a doubt in my mind about that, no matter how many times he told me he didn't. I knew it was a lie.
After much prayer, and many many conversations, I had told my husband that he needed Jesus, and after that, he changed. He has always loved God, but it was that the enemy had worked his way in, and he had overtaken everything. You don't just wake up one day and think, "oh, I don't love my spouse anymore." Love doesn't just disappear overnight. If we let the enemy in, he will continue to take over.
I wasn't going to just stand by and let my marriage fall apart. It wasn't what I wanted, and I knew deep down it wasn't what my husband wanted either. God is miraculous. Nothing is impossible when we have Him.
My husband came home, and we began to heal our relationship. I'm not saying everything was forgotten immediately, because that would be a lie. He apologized to me, a million times, he begged for my forgiveness, he was truly sorry that He hurt me.
With the help of God, I forgave him. We moved past that point in our lives. But it is still apart of us. We can't ignore that it happened. It forever changed us, as a couple, and as individuals. A lot of changes happened after that time in our lives. We are not the same people. We have learned so many things from our experience. We have learned that nothing is impossible with God.
We are all able to forgive. Forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's not for them, it's for you. Without forgiveness, we have bitterness. Bitterness is like cancer to the soul. It will eat at you forever. It is torture.
Today my husband and I are expecting another baby. I was always afraid of having another because I didn't have good experiences with my first two pregnancies. I didn't know if I wanted to put myself in the position to experience any of this pain again. But I know with God I can endure anything!
I cannot say that I'm thankful for any of these experiences in my life, but I cannot say that I would go back and change any of them. They have defined us. This has all made our marriage and faith profoundly stronger. I love my husband more today, than I ever have, and I know he feels the same about me.
We are excited about this new baby, but I am still super nervous. I have another ultrasound scheduled for August 27th. I'll be 12 weeks 4 days then. If the baby is perfect, I will be so relieved. I'm waiting for that day until I let myself get really excited, and then I'll start preparing.
I think everything will turn out perfectly, but I'm not in control, so I really have no idea. All I can do is trust in the Lord, that everything will be fine according to his plan!
