Sometimes Mama Needs Forgiveness

I just needed to take a minute to remind myself why I have decided to travel down this road of homeschooling. It's not because I need my kids with me at every moment to feel like I'm a good mother. It actually has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. 

There are several reasons that I have written about before, and probably will again in the future. But today, oh today, I was given a reminder just why I chose the hard stuff. 

There she sat doing her math. Taylor had already breezed right through hers, and Mackenzie was just not wanting to do hers. "I need help! Nobody will help me!" I told her she knew what she needed to do, and she just needed to do it. I'm not going to sit and give her the answers, plus she knows the stuff she was doing. She just didn't want to do it. 

Seems like everyday someone "just can't do it". That's ok, I'm getting this figured out now, we'll sort-of, ok not really, but I'll try to pretend. Ha! 

She was really angry. I just didn't understand why. She bit the eraser off her pencil, and was just being nasty. I asked her what was wrong and it went from "you won't help me...nobody likes me, you said I'm the messiest child, and you don't love me..." 

She lost it. She was just crying and crying. I picked her up and told her "you are the most perfect little girl. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and whether you're a little messy sometimes does not determine your worth and will never make me stop loving you!" 

Our conversation went on for a little while with me reminding her of her strengths, and just how much I love her. I didn't realize how much my comment to her Grandma about her being messy really bothered her. It wasn't even something that happened recently, but she had obviously bottled those feelings up inside and they came out today. This gave me an opportunity to ask her for forgiveness, and reassure her of how much I love her. 

Had she of not been with me, and at public school, this probably would have played out differently. It would have come across as her being disobedient and she would have gotten in trouble. 

I was reminded today that in every moment I'm teaching and training my children. We all mess up, and we all make mistakes, even Mamas. My words have the ability to build up or break down. Even something as little as saying she was messy, broke her down, and maybe you're thinking she's just sensitive or played me for a fool, but that's not how it really is. Even if she's just overly sensitive, that is just the way she is, and I have to accept that. I don't want to change the way God made her. I want her to know that her feelings matter and we need to release them in a healthy way. 

We finished up our hugs and kisses and she finished up her math lesson in about 10 minutes, with much confidence. 

This homeschool thing isn't about me at all. I sacrifice daily to give them the best that I possibly can. It's tough. They drive me up the wall somedays, but every bit of it is worth it. Even the messy house and sometimes sticky floor (thanks to the jar of pickles somebody dropped today). 

I wouldn't trade it for anything. Before I know it this will all just be a distant memory and my house will be so clean and there will be no noise. #thisisnow 

Until Next Time....

Erica