5 years and looking towards the future

9 years ago I never could have imagined this is where I would be in my life. I never thought I would meet and marry a man who loves me more than anything else. I never imagined that in almost 7 years of marriage we would now be expecting our 4th baby.

5 years ago today I gave birth to our breathless baby boy. That was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. It took me a long time to come to peace with the loss, even though less than two months later I was pregnant with twins.

Still mourning the loss of our baby, while being pregnant with two more, was really difficult for me. I didn't get to experience the excitement and anticipation and enjoyment of being pregnant with them. You can read more on that here.

On this fifth anniversary I can honestly say I'm ok! I did not have an emotional day, which is a shocker since this has been an emotional pregnancy for me.

Like I said, I have come to peace with this. Without our baby boy going to heaven we wouldn't have our beautiful daughters. I could never say that I wish I wouldn't have gone through that devastation. If we wouldn't have, we wouldn't have our precious daughters, and I cannot imagine my life without them.

It's much easier to lose someone you have never met, than to lose someone you have.

God never gives us more than we can handle. Do I know that for a fact. I never in my wildest dreams could have ever imagined we would have gone through all that we did in the last five years.

The crazy part? I wouldn't change any of it. I know that sounds insane! Why wouldn't I if I could go back and change it all?

Having experienced all that we have has changed us. It has molded us and shaped who we are today. We aren't perfect, but we aren't trying to appear that we are either.

And the fact is, we can't change anything about our past. All we can do is accept it, learn from it, and look ahead. God gives us trials and tribulations for a reason. To turn towards Him for strength and comfort. I couldn't have made it through without HIM!

I cannot change the fact that my baby died, but I have something so amazing to look forward to when I die. I get to meet him for the first time and see what his beautiful face really looks like. That is how I have chosen to accept it and move on, for my own peace. It wouldn't be healthy for me to continue to be sad about it, but its also ok for me to keep the memory alive.

Every year on January 15th, my dad brings me flowers. It means so much to me that he remembers and makes a point to keep his memory alive. We don't talk about the loss much, but we will always remember him. We loved him from the beginning, and still love him to this day.

He is in such an amazing place! Right there with Jesus!! We love you Trenton Parker!!